A man asked his rabbi, “Rabbi, you’re a man of G-d. So why is it that you are always talking about business, when I, a businessman, am always talking about spiritual matters?”

“You have discovered one of the principles of human nature,” the rabbi replied.”

“And what’s that, rabbi?”

“People like to discuss things they know nothing about.”

Father Murphy had an emergency, so he called his friend, Rabbi Seigel, to cover for him in the confessional. Father Murphy had the rabbi observe him for a few minutes before he left. They’re in the confessional when a woman entered.

“Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I got angry at my husband and yelled!”

“How many times?” asked Father Murphy

“Three”

“Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box, and sin no more.”

Next, a man confessed, “I lost my temper with my wife and said terrible things!”

“How many times?”

“Three.”

“Say two Hail Mary’s, put five dollars in the box, and sin no more”, said Father Murphy.

Rabbi Seigel said he had it, so the priest left.

Another woman entered and said, “I was so furious with my children, so I screamed!”

The rabbi asked, “How many times?”

“Once.”

“Okay, scream two more times. We have a special this week, three for five dollars”

During a break in young Herschel’s morning cheder class, he approached Rabbi Bornfeld and asked, “Rabbi, why are the seas always so salty?”

Without hesitating, Rabbi Bornfeld replied, “Because of the herring, Herschel.” 

When someone stupid says something smart

When I’m on fb/reddit/watching a movie and my mom wants me to help her with something

When you’re in the dressing room at a store and the outfit you try on looks amazing